Life

Sometimes it takes the worst things in life to remind us of how beautiful it really is.

Over the easter break, one of my roommates got into a terrible car accident, and she's in ICU, in awful condition. We haven't heard anything in almost two days. When my roommates and I found out, we agreed to hold a 24 hour fast for her.

I've not gotten to know my roommates very well. We have very little in common, and we're all pretty busy. But even so, after living with them for almost nine months, I've come to care for them. The girl who was in the accident...she was a senior, about to graduate and go to law school. She recently got engaged to her boyfriend of many years. She is on the cusp of her future. I admire her composure, her dedication, her strength, and her straight-forward and reasonable outlook on life. Though I wasn't close with her, when I heard about her accident, my mind went blank. I didn't know what to think.

I have never fasted for 24 hours before. My mom has hypoglycemia, and I've always been very sensitive to my blood sugar levels. Not eating not only makes me hungry and irritable, but drains me of all my energy and gives me headaches. But along with all my roommates, I fasted the full amount of time. It was difficult. My heart was aching to think that the girl we were fasting for might not make it. Even if she does, she may have permanent damage and disabilities.

I couldn't help but wonder, why her? Why her? She who was so sensible, so intelligent, so beautiful, who had a plan for her life, who knew what she wanted, why her? I know that bad things happen to good people. I've seen it countless times in my life. But still, when I first heard about the condition she was in, the thought that sprang into my mind was "Why wasn't that me? Shouldn't that have been me?"

That probably isn't a normal reaction. And to clarify--it's not that I WANT that to be me. I don't want to die. I love my life, and the precious people in it. But something in me was furious that this should happen to this beautiful, wonderful girl with so much to give. With all of my faults clearly highlighted in my mind, it seemed that I was far more deserving of that trial than she. Part of me demanded that the pain she was suffering be transferred to me. But the worst part is, I know I'm not strong enough to handle it, even were it possible.

This morning my institute class talked about Christ, and the Atonement. We talked of how it is infinite, because only an infinite atonement could compensate for all the sins of this weary world. We talked of Elder Holland's talk this last conference.

Elder Holland placed an incredible emphasis on the utter loneliness of Christ's journey through the atonement. He was abandoned and betrayed by his own disciples: but worse still, in order for the atonement to be infinite, he had to experience spiritual death. He had to feel what it was like to have the Lord's presence withdrawn from him. He was utterly forsaken.

But because he walked through that pain-laden path so completely alone, nothing we go through must be done alone. Even when we are at our lowest, most miserable points, even when jaws of hell gape open after us, even when we have turned our backs on Christ a thousand times, he is still reaching out to us. Because of his ultimate sacrifice, we never, never have to be alone.

I know that he is watching over my roommate right now. I know he is comforting her fiance and her parents as they wait, and watch. And even little me, who has almost nothing to do with it, he has been with me. And whatever happens to that wonderful, amazing girl, whether she recovers through the pain on this earth or whether he takes her home, he will be holding her hand.

There are no words that can express the magnitude and the beauty of what Christ chose to do for us. There are no words that can tell of the unconditional love with which he reaches out to us, no matter how far we fall short.

The pain and suffering that good people go through in this life is not wanted, but needed. These trials are the point of life. They will break us if we let them; but if we turn to Christ, even the weakest of us, even I, can become stronger. My mother wrote a poem that has been ringing in my ears the past weeks, since I first read it.


Not Wanted, But Needed

Doth mercy grow in laughter’s vale?
Is patience stretched by ease?
Doth wealth observe her fattest ones
most often on their knees?

What gratitude did never want?
What gentleness yields fame?
Can tenderness bloom sorrow-free?
Indulged, what self-will’s tamed?

Shall appetite, unbridled, dance
strict honor’s minuet?
Compassion’s cloak be woven on
a loom, sans suff’ring’s weft?

Then scratch my woes in sand, my Lord,
speak peace when, grieved, I wail;
those virtues tribulation coins
weigh golden on Life’s scale!


I am slowly beginning to learn the deep and eternal truth behind these words. Perhaps, as undeserved as this trial was for my roommate, it will grant her and her loved ones great blessings in the end. Life is strange and painful, but it is ever so beautiful as well. The pain we suffer throw our joys into sharp relief, and make life far sweeter than we could have imagined.

Joseph Smith said in Joseph Smith History, 1:25 "...I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing, I would offend God, and come under condemnation." Sister Hinkley also said, "The gospel's true. I've seen too much and experienced too much in my life to ever deny it." Though I have never seen a vision like Joseph Smith, and I've experienced much less of life and its trials than that great lady, I share the sentiment. Throughout my life, Christ has been like the wind. When I turn away from him, I falter and fall. But when I turn to and put my trust in him, even though I cannot see him, I am able to soar. I have seen and I have felt for myself, and I bear my witness that Christ is my living Savior, and that one day I will see his face and hear his voice. I love him with all that I am and know that, through him, I will be able to return to and live with my God.

The center of the gospel is love. God sent us to this earth and puts us through trials so that our understanding and our love can deepen, so that we can learn to forget ourselves and to love others. Truly, loving others is where all happiness comes from. And so whatever happens to me, whatever hardships I experience, whatever I have to watch others go through, I can stand tall and bear my testimony that God lives and loves us eternally. D&C 121:7-8 reads, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

Life can be hard--but it never must be faced alone.